Welcome to a troubled mind

If you've reached this level, you might want to know what my inner demons look like...

I don't mean to scare. This is the doorless section because it's up to you whether you enter or not.
The point of this section is to fully disclose why I am how I am, and especially why I write what I write, aka, why I think like I think.
There's a great chance you need to read this if you found any of my opinions or likes "problematic". Otherwise, don't subject yourself to this...

May you delve deeper, remember: these are my demons, with whom I've made peace and have controlled since I was 15. Don't fear, observe.

I have violent impulses. Controlling them isn't easy in everyday life as no one is given time to stop and think, everyone is expected to act quickly. Impulses are that, immediate reactions, and mine are dangerous enough to scare me myself, for which I've been working for years to keep them under control.Does it sound familiar? Usually, violent impulses are what characterize villains. I would never condone a single villain ever, yet I tend to identify with them, solely because they are a mirror of my shadow, the part I want to keep under control. Denying it is of no use, I fully embrace my demons, hoping that being gentle to myself will also help me heal..Hence, my public writings tend to focus on that. If you have ever gone through my AO3, you probably noticed that. I would have never imagined it, but writing a villain, looking into her mind, and seeing how it slowly (very slowly) untwistes as it receives a kindness she doesn't feel she deserved (like I don't feel I deserve), gives me hope.Perhaps I am not doomed to be a monster, perhaps I am not doomed to repeat my father's mistakes like I've done before having proper therapy. Like I said before, I only got ahold of these demons around my 15 years; before that, I feel like I was a monster. I barely remember that time, I still don't know what even was going on in my mind, so I fear it will come back, and I will always regret the way I treated my brother. With all due reasons, he now hates me, and I don't deserve his forgiveness, yet I wish he would forgive me, if anything for his own peace.I now consciously decided to put a stop to the damage my impulses may produce, I make decisions taking into account what or who could suffer if I weren't to control myself; I know it can be done, and I have found reasons to do so, which is why I believe literally anyone has the potential to be awful or to be kind, as long as they chose so.This is what I write about: the choices people make, the reasons they have to make them, the way their view of the world affects whether they see those reasons on their own or require some assistance, and how hatred only intoxicates us, while kindness might even save a soul.Furthermore, I like exploring the psyche of characters, good and bad, because I've come to notice that "evil in goodness, and goodness in evil" can be found not only in people but also in actions..All in all, I am but exploring, observing, reflecting, and hopefully, growing. I write to heal, never to harm, even if I write about harmful characters, because I have been harmful, and hope I will never be again.

• Come from Spop fandom? Looked through my AO3? This way…

• Back to the surface

If you'are here, you may have seen my Spop fics on AO3. Please allow me to explain WHY I'm so fixed on that ship, and why I say it gives me hope.

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If you’re wondering “how can you possibly write that?” or “how can you ship them!?” or “are you defending an abuser?”, especially that last one, please take a few minutes to read the following.

First things first: I am NOT defending an abuser. I would never. My childhood is comparable to Catra’s; my father was, quite literally, like Shadow Weaver. For reference, remember that scene where little Catra was held by SW’s powers and Adora got in the middle, wanting to protect her? Well, it feels similar to my father literally tying me to my chair with a belt. But I never had an Adora to protect me. I was the big sister, my brother was a literal baby.And just like Catra in seasons 3 and 4, behaving quite like SW (especially how she treated Loonie, Rogelio, and Kyle), I too behaved like my father between my 10 and 15 years (my brother being between 6 and 11 years). Before you tell me “Catra didn’t want to be like SW at all”, which is true, let me explain WHAT that behavior represents..Ever heard of Carl Jung’s theory of the shadow? (I’m not joking, I swear)
It’s a theory as old as the ancient Greeks, more recently developed in psychology by Jung; it has always been believed that what you suppress and try to escape from becomes your destiny: the Greeks had several myths and tragedies about someone basically provoking what oracles told them BECAUSE they were trying to avoid it; from gods like Uranus and Cronus, eating their children because they had been told one would kill them (and it happened BECAUSE they were eating them! Otherwise nothing would have happened), to the whole story of Oedipus being caused by his parents wanting to prevent the oracle, and he attempting the same.So, seasons 3 and 4 Catra can/should be seen in the same way: she wanted to reject everything related to SW; she cut the grey locks of her hair, kept repeating she didn’t need her, kept trying to prove her wrong in everything she had said her whole life… And almost became her. The moment she broke down? That was her realizing as much. That’s precisely what messed up her mind so much. I have been through the same, and only thanks to therapy have I finally changed. Yet I don’t relate to Catra, and Catradora doesn’t mean that much to me (I love the relationship but look at it from outside like a happy aunt), for some important reasons.For starters: Catra didn’t believe she could be good, she was absolutely sure she would never fit with the rebellion, and felt betrayed by Adora because of how much she meant to her. She was able to give herself a chance because she loves Adora too much to keep fighting her, even if she believed she didn’t love her back; she preferred to help Adora however she could (like sending Glimmer to her so she wouldn’t have to get into Horde Prime’s ship) and stayed behind, no matter what happened to her, because she thought she would never be accepted by the Rebellion or Adora. But when they gave her a chance, her real character surfaced. She never wanted to be bad, but was raised to think she had no other choice..I was not like that (unfortunately). I wasn’t only mistreated by my father; after enduring his punishments, I began playing a little game I call “He won’t hurt me if I don’t give him reasons”. So, if he said “jump”, I’d ask “how high?”. Thus, I became his favorite; like Adora to SW. Imagine if she hadn’t left the Horde? That’s who I was between my 10 and 15 years.What changed? I began psychiatric therapy, and suddenly, I was confronted with two paths: I could keep on being mean, not giving a fuck about anyone but myself… or I could try to be better, try to be gentle with myself and everyone around me, try to help others in any way I could. I chose the latter, yet I relate to SW, because she represents what I would be had I chosen to keep being mean. That’s the WHOLE point of my writing..Currently, those who know me, both IRL and just on twt, tell me I’m more like Castaspella or Angella, and you know? Yes, that was my choice. But my impulses, my violent impulses, are still there. When I write SW, I just have to write following my own impulses, how I would act if I didn’t care, which means both speech and (re)actions pay no mind to anyone else. When I write Castaspella, I write according to my will, my choices, the way I see the world is what makes me write her so gentle and considerate with everyone, even SW; I’ve inprinted on her my worldview. I could get stabbed (literally or metaphorically) and I’d apologize for bothering!!But not only that, after therapy helped me make these choices to be gentle to everyone, I also realized the one person who was my “enemy” in primary school, only knew cruelty; that was all she had learned from her mother. I could have treated her like everyone else at school, but instead decided to teach her kindness. She was genuinely oblivious! Now she’s the nicest person I know, and my first best friend ever. Part of that experience is what motivates my writing of Castaspella being kind and somehow taming SW’s default cruelty. That’s also why I don’t think people need fixing, just to be shown a different view of the world, a different perspective, to let them find reasons to choose kindness.And yet, I myself have always felt like a monster, regardless of my current willing choice to be kind. I believed, like this fandom, that someone so damn cruel deserved only cruelty in return; I reckoned I had earned it. And yet, someone to whom I’ve told all of this, my girlfriend, still loves me; I struggle to believe I deserve her, but she once told me “So young yet so troubled. How can the world be so cruel to an angel like you?” and I can’t express the way that dug into my very soul and dragged me out of the pit of self-loathing I was in.I am no angel, but one thing is true: I would never heal if all I received was cruelty. Her kindness and love helped me heal. THAT is what I want to represent when I ship Castaweaver.
I hope I can fully heal and be better, I hope I won’t be just like SW if I ever have children under my care, and I hope I’m not doomed to her same fate. My only hope is the kindness of the people who love me, and writing these fics gives me hope because they are about that: even someone as monstrous, someone who chose to be cruel, can be saved by someone kind enough to help untwist their view of the world.My fics are therapeutic, it’s my kind side trying to convince my mean side I’m just human, with the potential to change any time in my life. There is no “point of no return”, and it is never too late..So no, I am not defending an abuser, and I’m not giving her a redemption arch. I am exploring my own possibilities, giving myself hope.

• Back to the surface